Since last October I have lived on my own. I moved away for a job I really wanted and decided to get a small flat by myself rather than moving into a house share with a bunch of strangers. This was something I’d always wanted to do – having the freedom of my own place and feeling independent. There’s also a small part of me that realises I wanted to feel more ‘grown up’ too – proving that I could function as an adult. (Pffft, what’s an adult?!)
Now there are some major pros to living alone, getting some much needed peace and quiet while alternately being able to rock out to your own solo karaoke party whenever you see fit. I don’t have to worry about someone stealing the milk from my fridge, nor do I need to lock the bathroom door. I can be a slob and not have to worry about someone else seeing the abysmal state of my flat and every night can be movie night with an early bed time should I want it. As a self-proclaimed ambivert I love having my own space that I can retreat to or simple have quiet time in – it’s peaceful and I find it easy to relax here.
On the flip side, as an ambivert I do also crave social interaction (albeit on my own terms) which can be problematic when living on your own. I am lucky that I am surrounded by many super-cool humans at work during my week and so usually this is enough for me. I’m accused of being a chatterbox and I’m sure many of my colleagues would scoff at me if I tried to explain that I’m part recluse – to them I’m just super high energy and extroverted. Instead I come home to the silence of my apartment and unwind by myself and usually succumb to an early night. I’m yet to discover the perfect balance for this. It’s all too easy for me to stay holed up in my flat for a whole weekend without really talking to anyone while internally I argue with myself – one half getting lonely and wanting to go out and adventure while the other half reasons that this is my only chill time and I should make the most of it doing as little as humanly possible. This war constantly rages between opposites – I want to be surrounded by people but I want my own space. I love being social but I love staying in. I love adventures but I’m scared of the unknown.
Luckily in a way my living alone here was the perfect experiment. In a couple of months I head back to the summer camp I’ve come to think of as a second home where I spend around a quarter of my year. This flat will become a fond memory as I move on to living in a cabin constantly surrounded by awesome smaller humans who will let me become a part of their summer experience as much as they are a part of mine. Then eventually after the summer I will need to re-balance again as my adventure continues.
I’ll figure it out.