Unbeingdead.

POEM(or
“the divine right of majorities,
that illegitimate offspring of the
divine right of kings” Homer Lea)
here are five simple facts no sub
human superstate ever knew
(1 )we sans love equals mob
love being youamiare(2)
the holy miraculous difference between
firstrate & second implies nonth
inkable enormousness by con
trast with the tiny stumble from second to tenth
rate(3)as it was in the begin
ning it is now and always will be or
the onehundredpercentoriginal sin
cerity equals perspicuity(4)
Only The Game Fish Swims Upstream &(5)
unbeingdead isn’t beingalive
-ee cummings

 

Nine years ago the only goal I had was beingdead. Even the smallest steps seemed hard, every day bringing more battles. Unable to see past unbeingdead, the magic of beingalive was far out of view. And life is too ferocious to step into each day without joy; the fight will quickly wear you down. Thankfully, I was surrounded by warriors ready to fight for me until the fog cleared. And while suicidal thoughts will always be in my shadow, beingalive has opened my world to love and magic I had no idea existed. Beingalive, with a broken heart and a brave soul, is the only way I know to find the magic. And while the waters may at times be murky, deeper than you planned for and hold monsters you didn’t prepare to fight, the dive is more than worth it. Even if you never find what you thought you were looking for. [#SwimDeep]

Beingalive has made me slightly dangerous; although I would argue unbeingdead is far more dangerous than beingalive could ever be. The magic has transformed the shy-and-quiet kid into a wild-heart-adrenaline-addict big kid. (Big thank you to Brené Brown for teaching me about wild hearts in Braving The Wilderness).  The tricky part is nobody will ever give you permission be alive; nobody can give you the formula for finding the magic. The secret part is you were born with that permission slip [#NoPermissionNeeded], and your heart knows exactly how to be alive. That is it’s ENTIRE JOB. To keep you alive; so of course it knows the way. And forget asking other people what their GPS is saying; the maps they have are no good for the roads you need to travel. They have their own journeys to navigate; their own destinations to find.

The last year has been only the beginning of my journey to beingalive (with lots and lots of help from friends and family and the books of my favorite writers including Brené Brown, Glennon Doyle and so many more #ItTakesAVillage). I’m still learning how to listen to my heart, and I’m sure my story still has countless wrong turns, dead ends and unplanned side trips ahead. But I’m also learning how many places give you the opportunity to love life. Not just in the adrenaline of sky-diving or cross country road trips or falling in love. But also learning that beingalive is sometimes found in the quiet moments. In the pause. Because that’s where the truth is; and remembering to look in can be the hardest part for me. I think at the start of this I mixed up motion with beingalive. Confusing busy for making the most of every moment. But beingalive is not just motion and staying busy is just a distraction. For me, beingalive is more about awareness than action. Less about the place and more about the perspective. You can swim deep right where you are or all across the world. The ocean you’re in doesn’t really matter all that much; a #WildHeartRevolution is internal. Swimming happens in the moments you stop asking everybody else for your voice and instead take ownership of your life. Beingalive is both the big, sexy, loud brave things and the moments of fierce, quiet brave choices we make when no one is looking.

As the next chapter of my story begins, I know the cross-country move is the big, loud brave; not the get-shit-done quiet brave. Starting the next chapter over 1,000 miles away will (hopefully) make a new dance easier to learn, with less old steps to break away from. But I will always carry myself with me. And the moments of sinking in, the moments where I’m given the choice to swim, will start happening in the still, quiet space where it’s time start connecting to community. Time to be with people; hold space with people. Making a decision to be seen and heard. So while I’m still a little worried that I’m running from something instead of running towards, I have to keep listening as close as I can. And commit to saying yes to myself. Trust that my heart knows the way home. Knowing I can swim anywhere I jump in. #DiveFast

Finally, as a reminder mostly for myself: as we sink in, swimming one lap at a time, forever on a mission to live life on fire and not just dodge the flames, don’t forget to enjoy beingalive along the way. [#CelebrateTheSpark] Discovering the magic in the mess is the best part; just be sure you leave yourself some space to smile about it. And I’m fairly certain part of the balance of beingalive includes celebrating. #AlwaysBringConfetti 

“unbeingdead isn’t beingalive.” – ee cummings

Over And Out,
#RedFeather

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