I felt the hot loneliness creep up from my stomach before I even reached the top of the staircase in Terminal E. Puddles hiding in the edges of my eyes; threatening to spill into reality. Wondering if you feel this too, or if I’m standing alone on a two way street looking into nowhere. And I knew I needed to say this. If for nothing beyond honesty; laying it all on the table for fair game. I spent the last week avoiding it, which you probably noticed. [Perhaps longer, since I’ve promised myself this is where I start being brutally honest.] Mostly because it’s terrifying to me. What if I lose my favorite thing? The simple magic disappearing between the lines? It means no going back (you can’t un-say things, after all). Even if it simultaneously changes nothing at all and everything at once. It’s a truth that showed up without asking for permission; a truth made real with or without speaking the words. And we both know my decision making process is far from efficient – full of all the “what ifs” and “maybes” the RedFeather can locate [and the RedFeather is fucking fantastic at hide and seek]. Not to mention, regardless of how I go about this it’s going to feel not good enough; you deserve the moon. And so here we are. Holidazed and Confused.
Alright. I’m not sure where else to begin. (And I’m still avoiding saying the things in my head. Like a champ.) Here it goes. This isn’t going to help your current stress levels for the time being – I sincerely apologize for that. Also, just to clear up any expectations, this is full of cheese and metaphors. Because my heart has too much to say to worry about sounding cool for the moment. [Although, cheese is cool if you ask me. #DealWithIt #NoQuitterFritter]. And, if I’m being brutally honest, I’m too scared to say what I’m about to say to be bothered with cheese. I’ve found all the excuses in the book for not saying this. [Turns out, I’m great at writing excuses. #GoldMedalStatus #NewHiddenSkill]. More on that later.
First things first: Thank you. You have set my world on fire. I never knew how much space my soul could fill. Until you showed up. And then I knew what it felt like to have a fire in my soul. We have had more adventures in the last 18 months than I could have ever dreamed; full of belly-ache laughter and magic that leaves me speechless. We have aggressively agreed about more topics than most would find time to discuss in a decade and spent more hours together in a car than I’ve spent with almost anyone else in my life. And somehow all those hours have flown by at lightning speed. As if spending 10 hours in a car is as easy as getting lost in a YouTube hole.
All that magic? That’s what makes this terrifying. It’s scary because I don’t want to ruin that magic; I don’t want to lose the organic, ordinary, every day magic hiding in moments from making Rice Krispy cake to watching whales. Adventuring with you feels easy; it’s one of my favorite things in the whole wide world. And I love that. So I’ve written every excuse in the book; defined them intricately. Convincing myself it was necessary to protect the magic. It sounds like this: Whenever I try to say it, none of the words come out right. I don’t want to add any stress to your life; I don’t want to bring anything but sunshine and light and magic into your world. I don’t want to stand in your sun. I don’t want to scare you. You don’t like adrenaline. It feels impractical; it’s too scary. There would never be a way for it to work. I’ve gone insane. Saying something is selfish. You’ve got enough on your plate for the moment. There’s no need to say anything; I’ll just celebrate you without saying anything. It will just complicate everything…. This list could go on for the next thousand years. [fear makes you really great at finding things. Especially when you’re looking for excuses].
But here is the other side that keeps screaming louder and louder. A balloon inflating bigger and bigger, squeezing out the extra air in the wrinkles of my brain. We can’t own our story if we walk outside of it. And this isn’t the story I want to tell. I’m tired of not walking inside the magic. What if it’s all the magic we have ever needed? Being brave is important; nothing worth having is without risk. And every once in a while you stumble on something so very important that it’s worth all the risk. Honesty is important; even if you are just lying by omission. I’ve been incongruent by not saying anything. And that sucks. And feels unfair. This feels a bit like walking into a storm of pure fire, but I fully believe there is bigger, stronger magic on the other side of for both of us. And it would be a privilege to walk through that with you. An honor to learn every detail; taking notes on all that might go unnoticed without that space. Which is maybe simultaneously scary and stunning. Of all the humans I know, you deserve that. And I have no idea what it all exactly means; but unless I say something we can’t figure it out. Only time will tell. Magic is worth fighting for. Worth going all in for.
There is no map for this. Unfortunately. I was never planning on falling; it isn’t something that happens very often. Frequently I am afraid of people or annoyed by them. And while I love hearing people’s stories, having somebody in my daily life usually feels like more of a roadblock. Which is horrible to say; but being independent is a strong personality trait that I carry with me. [Perhaps only second to being difficult; which mostly happens when I’m feeling scared] And I certainly wasn’t planning to fall. But I did. And soon I found myself creating space for you in my world; literally and figuratively. From planning road trips to going through recipes. My brain and my heart have been focused on ensuring there is space for love and adventure and light.
At first it made me mad. Because I don’t like falling; I like being in control. Having a plan. Thinking things through. But lately, none of that matters. My heart decided that it whole-heartedly loved you. No plans needed. No logic; just feeling. And the more I try to walk away from it; the bigger the love gets. Every time I stop I find myself having bigger feelings. Your existence is quite possibly the highlight of my day [was trying to avoid high stakes, but doesn’t feel possible now]. And I’ve realized this: falling is a privilege; love is a verb – the biggest magic happens amidst the decision to stand back up and lean into it.
I’m not sure how my heart knows you so well; sharing space feels like the safest spot. My favorite moments happen in the quiet spaces between tangents. Just you across from me. Winding through the ins and outs of your thoughts. The place I want to run to when I’m scared or tired or happy or feeling anything at all. The place I want to celebrate. The person I want to celebrate. And then came the big monster in the doorway; standing tall and screaming loud. The fear that I’m not good enough. That I don’t have enough to hold you; that I don’t have enough space to keep you safe; that I don’t have enough sunshine to keep you smiling; that I don’t have enough confetti to celebrate you; that I don’t have enough strength to support you as you fight your battles instead of fighting them for you. And while I’m still struggling with all of these thoughts, there are a few things I know.
I know that love is scary. I know that this does not feel normal. I know that I’m not sure what the plan is; what I’m doing here. But I also know that if you find a tiny thread of courage in your heart to talk about it, I will give you everything I have. Just for a chance to give you a spark of all the fire you have accidentally given me. And I know that I will continually be pushing to make a bigger impact on the world and to share all the light with you that I can. I know that I’m happy to wait as long as it takes, if you want me to. I know that I want the journey to celebrate your light. To be your biggest cheerleader; your life jacket in the deep end; your safe space and the one that pushes you outside your comfort zone to find the magic. The one walking beside you through it all. Ready to pick up any pieces that get broken or left behind as you thrive and make your wave in this world.
And I promise you this: I know it takes insane courage. And the path isn’t smooth. And I understand if you aren’t ready to climb or if it’s too dangerous a journey. But I had to let you know I would be here if you decide the adventure would be a risk worth taking. Either way I love you.
Over And Out,